MONTICELLO, VA – In a supernatural turn of events, the restless spirit of Thomas Jefferson has materialized to formally sue the modern Republican Party for defamation, claiming they have been “grossly misrepresenting” his words, beliefs, and overall intent for the nation.
Appearing in the Rotunda of the National Archives, Jefferson’s apparition was heard lamenting, “I said rebellion was necessary sometimes, not that you should attempt a coup every four years.” Witnesses report the ghost looked visibly distressed upon reading GOP talking points suggesting that he, Madison, and Hamilton would have been huge fans of Fox News.
The lawsuit, filed in the “Eternal Court of Historical Reckoning,” outlines several grievances, including:
Misuse of the 2nd Amendment: “A well-regulated militia does not mean an angry mob in Hawaiian shirts storming the Capitol.”
Separation of Church and State: “I specifically wrote ‘a wall between church and state.’ How are you people still confused about this?”
Founding Father Worship: “We were imperfect men of the 18th century. Stop treating us like we’d be your drinking buddies at CPAC.”
Jefferson is not alone in his frustration. John Adams’ ghost was reportedly seen outside Mar-a-Lago, attempting to shake sense into passing Republican officials, screaming, “The Sedition Act was a mistake, and so are you!” Meanwhile, Alexander Hamilton has taken to haunting the Federal Reserve, begging Congress to stop treating the national debt like a game of Monopoly. Which, onlookers noted, was especially concerning since Monopoly wouldn't exist for another 150 years and yet he somehow still hates it.
Legal experts are unsure how the case will proceed, given that the GOP has already dismissed history, facts, and reality as ‘woke propaganda.’ However, Jefferson remains hopeful that if he can’t win in court, he’ll at least get his face removed from the next batch of Republican fundraising emails.
At press time, Jefferson’s ghost was seen scowling at a group of self-proclaimed ‘Constitutional Originalists,’ muttering, “You clowns wouldn’t last five minutes in 1776.”
This is a developing story, check back for updates as more information becomes available.
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