MAR-A-LAGO, FL – In a stunning new grift, Donald Trump has announced the launch of the ‘Reparations for Republicans’ fund, an initiative designed to compensate MAGA supporters for their years of suffering under facts, accountability, and the existence of non-conservatives.
“Republicans have been the real victims for decades,” Trump declared at a rally, as supporters cheered wildly while clutching their limited-edition Trump-branded grievance collection plates. “The media has been mean to us, woke companies don’t respect us, and we are constantly forced to endure things like ‘science’ and ‘history.’ It’s time we get paid!”
The fund, described as a “financial justice program for Real Americans™”, will offer payouts for the following MAGA hardships:
Emotional distress from fact-checkers undermining their Facebook arguments.
Loss of cultural identity caused by the cancellation of the Dukes of Hazzard and the discontinuation of Confederate flag bikinis.
Psychological trauma from hearing Spanish at the grocery store.
Woke-induced suffering, such as companies using rainbow logos during Pride Month or M&M’s failing to be sufficiently sexy.
Existential dread over liberals, women, people of color, and LGBTQ+ individuals exercising their Second Amendment rights.
While Trump has not disclosed where the money will come from, reports indicate that supporters are already sending in personal checks, Social Security deposits, and the last of their kids’ college funds to help “restore conservative dignity.”
Meanwhile, House Republicans are drafting legislation to make the Reparations for Republicans Act a government-funded program, citing “liberal oppression” as a national crisis. “This is long overdue,” said Rep. Lauren Boebert, while mistakenly trying to Venmo the Treasury Department for her payout.
At press time, Trump was seen laughing while fiddling with his bank app on his government issued iPhone, mumbling, “They really will buy anything.”
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