Mar-a-Lago, FL – In a historic announcement today, President Donald J. Trump unveiled his latest plan to honor America’s most misunderstood icons with a brand-new national monument: Mount Touchmore.
Carved into the side of the “Devil’s Backbone” rock formation outside the Ozarks in Missouri, this soon-to-be sacred site will feature the faces of Matt Gaetz, Bill Cosby, Sean “Diddy” Combs, Jeffrey Epstein, and of course, the 45th and (some say) forever President, Donald J. Trump himself.
“These are great guys, folks. Some of the greatest. And frankly, I think people are being very unfair to them,” Trump declared at a hastily assembled press conference outside a McDonalds. “We’re going to call it Mount Touchmore because, let’s be honest, they’ve all—well, you get it. You get it.”
The announcement was met with widespread discomfort, with even Trump’s most loyal supporters struggling to find a way to spin it. One aide reportedly muttered, “Jesus Christ,” while Roger Stone was overheard saying, “Well, at least I didn’t make the list.”
Construction is expected to begin as soon as Trump secures funding—likely through a combination of NFT sales, $99 commemorative “Hands-On History” collector coins, and a GoFundMe set up by Rudy Giuliani.
Mount Touchmore is set to open in 2027, pending legal and evening environmental proceedings.
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